Contemplating the Past

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the past. My ten year reunion from high school is this summer and a lot of people have been reconnecting. I also recently joined Facebook which reconnects you with familiar faces from your past- very fun. Going away to college was the time of my life. I am so glad that my parents encouraged me to go to school away from home. But at the same time I had no time to think about the fact that I would never live at my house again. I would never live in Boca Raton again. I would never see most of my friends from S. Florida again. At least we would never be all together again. I cannot re-live my time there. I did go home for a few summers and see old friends, but as time went on I went to Boca less. And when I graduated college my parents moved to Tallahassee. The last time I was there was 2 years ago for the 4th of July. I kept waiting to run into someone I knew, but it never happened. At one time these thoughts did not matter to me. To be honest, I don't really like the culture of S. Florida all that much- it is materialistic, expensive, and a little snobby (no offense to those who live there). I decided that I had moved on and was done with my past. If it had not been for my wise mother I would have thrown away all my old yearbooks, journals, and pictures too. I quoted the verse "forgetting what lies behind and straining for what lies ahead" and plunged forward. But as the years have unfolded, I find that I cannot just forget my past. I love it, long for it, remember it, it is a part of me. I have so many wonderful memories: singing in Children's choir at First Baptist Church of Deerfield Beach, getting in trouble with Danielle, fishing in her back yard, going to shell island (which turns out to be no more than a two foot edge of dirt in the intercoastal), going with her to River Ranch and throwing out the eggs her mom made me for Easter breakfast, playing with Julie next door, going to the mall on Friday nights with Holly and Christine, getting in big trouble with Holly's mom- all the time, playing with Angela Perkins, going to Brownie Camp, having dancing contests at my birthday parties and playing headband horseshoes and pin the kiss on Johnny Depp, waiting at the bus stop with Paige and Brook and Jason and Jaime (now Jason is dead), going to Amie Kay and Frank's for holidays, going to Amie Kay and Frank's just because, The Friday Group, Easter egg hunts and new Easter dresses, riding my bike to Eckerds and to the beach, youth group and camp with Roger, Pastor Cronin, Champions for Christ karate team, karate friends, Cornerstone Baptist Church friends, honors classes at Boca High. The list could go on and on and on. I have my list of regrets, hurts, and disappointments as well. I can't let go of these memories- God gave them to me. I weep when I think of them and they are good. They demonstrate God's hand on my life and His faithfulness. But at the same time- I will never go back and be able to relive my past and that as well is from God. I would not fit there now. I love Sara Grove's song "Painting Pictures of Egypt". You can find all the lyrics here: http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/sara-groves/painting-pictures-of.html. "But the places that used to fit me Cannot hold the things I've learned And those roads closed off to me While my back was turned ". That road was closed off to me while my back was turned. I did not realize what was happening. Maybe it is better that way. Maybe God knows we would never walk in the path He has for us if we realize the outcome up front. Sometimes I wonder if I have made the right decisions in my life. Thankfully, I can think of all the times I poured out my heart in prayer for direction. Sometimes I had to step out on faith and just trust that if my decision was wrong- God was still in control. I will not believe that God has led me astray. I rest in His peace, sovereignty, love, and attention to my little life. So, I have decided not to go to my high school reunion for a couple of reasons- it is expensive, logistically challenging, and probably will just be a big drinking party that I don't "fit" in. But I would love to go back sometime in the near future to see Danielle's house (please finish it soon) and Amie Kay and Frank (they have not met Hannah yet), and possibly run into someone I knew in my previous life. So, in the mean time, I am enjoying where God has led me... Durham, NC with Brian and Hannah, the Church of the Good Shepherd, Woodlake Subdivision, and all my new friends here. I pray He would continue to lead us and use us for His purposes and glory. Love to all are friends old and new.